You were good to me and you were also hard.
Hard when I thought you should have been easy.
You were the wild freedom of motorcycling under the open sky and the feeling of being more trapped and uninspired than ever before.
You were love and connection.
Laugh out loud tea parties with best friends. Family. Baking and crocheting with my Mum. Motorcycling and geeking out about motorcycling with my Dad. Deep conversations and big life decisions with my partner.
You were disconnection and loss.
Hitting goals I thought meant something to me, but that were probably someone else’s goal to begin with. No fanfares. No fairy glitter. Just a vague sense of loss and mild disappointment.
You were the reluctant and cathartic purging of certain structures, obligations and people from my life and the gentle thrill of subtle new beginnings in their place.
You were stability. You were safety. You were distraction and boredom and yearning for more but feeling too tired and burnt out to do anything about it.
Craving fullness while running on empty.
Dear 2017, you were surrender under protest.
Hibernation and the slow, uncomfortable and joyful process of reconnecting to my body and soul after months of disconnect, overwhelm and busyness.
You were funky new hair, freshly pierced ears and the same boring outfit every day.
Embracing the shift while clinging to familiarity.
You were doing the work and resisting doing the work.
Taking first tentative steps towards old dreams and being pleasantly surprised.
Resisting the truth harder than ever even while reaching out for it like my life depended on it.
Being utterly broken on the wheel of my own resistance.
Dear 2017, you were watching so much coming undone, in my life, the lives of others and the world at large and feeling helpless to do anything about it.
Waiting for someone else to save me, and the painful realization that no one could.
You were the shedding of the skin, an arduous peeling back of the countless, colourless and brittle layers to uncover what is good and real and true.
You were good. You were hard.
You were amazing. You were uncomfortable.
You were an important year and I hope I will understand you and your role in my journey a little better soon.
Right now I’m mostly confused.
As uncertain and wobbly as it may be
And as reluctant as I may be to take it
I am ready
For the next step.